Twinkies and Things
by nixajane-f0rcryin0utl0ud
Summary: What do you get when you mix a Colonel desperate for pie, and a snarky archeologist with a Twinkie fetish? *COMPLETED*


Authors: ForCryinOutLoud and Layton Colt

Comments? AwForCryinOutLoud@Yahoo.ca OR LaytonColt@Hotmail.com

Status: Complete, I guess. There's really no plot, so it's hard to tell. 

Genre: Gen

Rating: G

Category: Humor. General mayhem. 

Spoilers: Not that I remember. But my memory really isn't very good. 

Pairings: I would definitely remember this, so I'm going to go with no. 

Season: Any, really. But I suppose if you wanted to get picky it could be three. Or four. Maybe five. Two might work…

Content Warnings: Jack gets felt up by a plastic toy soldier. 

Summary: What do you get when you mix a Colonel desperate for pie, and a snarky archeologist with a Twinkie fetish? 

Author's Notes (Layton's): This is an almost entirely dialogue fic, and is not part of our "Day Series." FCOL is writing for Jack and I'm writing for Daniel. We really should not be left alone to play on YIM. ; )

Author's Notes (FCOL's): This was completely Layton's idea and I have to agree, we really shouldn't be left alone to play on YIM. The results can be frightening.

Disclaimer: We don't own them no matter how often our hallucinations tell us we do.

_____________________________________________________________

"Oh, hey, Jack." 

"Yes, Daniel?"

"Yes what?" 

"You said hey...did you want something?"

"I said hey, hey as in hi. How ya doing? What's up?"

"Fine...Hello, Daniel."

"Hi, Jack." 

"What are you up to today? Something fun I'm sure...."

"Oh, yes. Fascinating, really," Daniel rolls his eyes. "I'm cleaning." 

"'Bout time. Your office is so dusty from those rocks I was starting to get allergies."

"I'm sure Janet could help with that." 

"Pills...Big Needles...Blood....Think I'll pass." Jack shudders.

Daniel grins. "Scared of the little doctor?" 

"Hey, Fraiser has a scary side. One that I tend to see when YOU get hurt. For some reason I always get blamed when you get hurt doing something you weren't supposed to."

"Doing something I..? You make it sound as though I get hurt on purpose." 

"I'm beginning to wonder, Danny boy. Perhaps you're starting to like all the attention from Janet's nurses."

"Attention? You mean changing my IV? Checking my pulse? How thrilling." 

"Right, Danny boy, THAT'S what I meant. You really are clueless sometimes."

"What?" 

"Never mind...So...up for some pie?"

"Hmm? Oh, no, no thanks. I've already eaten." 

"Chocolate isn't a meal, Daniel. And before you say it, no, neither is coffee."

"I didn't eat chocolate." Daniel quickly averts his eyes.

"Riiight. Oh you might wanna wipe the smear of 5th avenue from your chin."

"What smear?" Daniel walks to the mirror checking his chin. "I didn't have chocolate. I had a Twinkie. Twinkies aren't chocolate." 

"See?! There IS more to the food guide than junk food, Daniel. Come on, we'll grab some pie and then you can come back to finish your spring cleaning."

"Pie is junk food." 

"No, it isn't."

"It is!" 

"Isn't!"

"Is! Do you know how much sugar--"

"Enough! Let's go! You can have toast if you don't want pie."

"I'm not going. I have to alphabetize my books. I don't have time for pie. Besides, that Twinkie will keep me going until tomorrow."

"I can make it an order."

"You could. But I wouldn't have to follow it." 

"Dammit, Daniel. If you don't, I'll get Fraiser up here."

"And what? What are you going to say, Jack? 'Daniel won't eat any pie?'"

"I'll tell her you haven't had anything but coffee and Twinkies for 3 days. She'll have you in a bed in the infirmary so fast your head will spin."

"But that isn't even true! I've had...had...oh..." 

"Yes...lots of oh...come on."

"You go ahead. I'll join you in a few minutes." Looking at Jack with widened blue eyes, Daniel flashes an innocent smile.

"As if. Look, I'll make you a deal. These boxes here look like they're ready for storage. I'll help you take them to the storage room and then YOU will come to the commissary and eat something other than coffee and Twinkies."

"We take the boxes down to storage first?" He grins at Jack.

"Yes, Daniel, we'll take the boxes to storage first."

"You've got yourself a deal." With a huge grin he adds, "You can take the big one, I'll just get this one." He lifts the smallest box, flashing another grin.

"Gee thanks. Nice to know you care about my bad knees." Jack groans as he reaches for the larger box. "ForCryinOutLoud, Daniel, what do you have in here, rocks by chance?" he asks with a smirk.

"As a matter of fact, yes, Sam had them for mineral testing, but she noticed some engravings on them and sent them to me." 

Jack rolls his eyes. "Of course....remind me never to offer to help you move anything again."

"Why would I do that?" Daniel smirks.

"Cute, Danny boy, real cute. OK. Open the door for me before I become the hunchback of the SGC."

"Sure. But you really ought to work a bit on that tough guy image. You're going soft."

"Ah ah...remember who decides what training exercises you have to do before getting to go on a mission, Danny boy...you might want to NOT get on my bad side."

Giving a cocky grin Daniel replies, "You wouldn't do that to me. You wouldn't have anyone to annoy while I was off soldiering."

"You mean I wouldn't have anyone to annoy ME. I think I could survive...where do you want the rocks?"

"Down here. S-22. And, sure, you might survive it, Jack. But what about every one else? Could they survive a bored Jack O'Neill? I have years of experience--but to let you loose you on an unsuspecting populace--"

"Haha. You should be a comic, Daniel. S-22...could you store these ANY farther away from your office?" 

"Don't complain to me. I'm following military procedure. And when does that EVER make sense?" 

"Hey, don't blame the military, if it were up to us there would be NO rocks here at all, Danny boy, and my back would not require a chiropractor. Just hurry up, I haven't eaten yet and they have my favorite pie at the commissary today."

"That is so typical. Don't you realize how important my work here is? I'm trying to figure out lost cultures--and you're worried about pie."

"Don't get your boxers in a bunch. Your work is very important, I know that, everyone on base knows that. We're planning an award ceremony for you later today, AFTER I get my pie...! Really." Jack smirks.

Rolling his eyes at Jack, Daniel points to the storage room. "Here, this is it. Just set it down in the corner. And don't worry, you'll get your pie--but I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to join you."

"Oh you most certainly will, rock boy. I just broke my back carrying your rocks here! The deal was, I break my back, you eat pie. No going back on that. Now open the door so we can go to the commissary, and we are going, Daniel, even if I have to further damage my spine by throwing you over my shoulder and carrying you there!"

"Huh. A little better with the Cro-Magnon attitude, Jack. But you might want to take out the 'further damage my spine' part for better effect." 

"Don't be cheeky. The words Survival training for Danny are floating through my head at the moment and can only be erased by pie!"

"Erased by pie? Do you actually think about these things before you say them out loud?" 

"Open the damn door!"

"Right. Oh...um...uh oh."

"Uh oh? I don't want to hear uh oh, Daniel. I want to hear 'after you, Jack.'"

"Oh I don't think it's supposed to do that..." 

"What?! What's not supposed to do what?"

"The door handle. I don't think it's just supposed to...come off like that." 

"Come off?! ForCryinOutLoud! What did you do?!"

"I didn't do anything! It just sort of...fell off." 

"I can't believe you broke the door!!! Just sort of fell of....door handles don't just sort of fall off, Daniel!"

"I didn't break the door! You think I'm strong enough to pull off a door handle, and you still think I need more training?"

"*Sigh* You're right, you're SO not strong enough to pull the handle off. So now what the hell are we supposed to do?"

"I could pull a door handle off if I wanted." 

"Sure you could, Danny boy...maybe I can find something in one of these boxes..."

"There's nothing in these boxes. Just...rocks." 

"Dammit! Why do you need 8 million boxes full of rocks?!"

"They're all pieces of what we believe was a shrine on PX-43256. We're going to try and reassemble it so we can translate the writings and learn more about the culture--"

"Ok, really not in the mood for a rock lesson, Daniel. Now see, if you had just gotten us stuck in a weapons storage room we would already be eating pie."

"I did NOT get us stuck. This is all your fault, you know. You and your stupid pie."

"MY fault?! WHOSE rocks were we bringing here?! If you had just come to the commissary in the first place I would have been happily eating my pie, drinking my coffee and..."

"An airmen was going to come take these here for me. But oh no, you wanted to do it. So we do it. And look where it's gotten us." 

"Don't blame me, buddy! Just get what you want from me and then leave is that it? Taking these stupid boxes down here was the only way you'd agree to come and get something to eat, and you didn't even plan to keep your promise at that!" 

"I was going to! But I didn't know it would take you so long to bring that box down here--and I only had about five minutes to spare." 

"5 minutes! Jeez, Daniel, are you sure you could spare all that time? I mean wow do I feel honored! Remind me to just leave you rotting away in your office surrounded by your rocks. Next time I'll just ask Teal'c if he wants pie." Crossing his arms, Jack walks away from Daniel.

"Don't think I won't!" 

"Whatever...shut up and let me figure out a way out of the mess YOU got us into."

"Right. It's always me. How did I manage to make the door handle fall off again? Because I forget." 

"Oh that's convenient," Jack muttered as he rummaged through his pockets looking for his Swiss Army knife. "Found it. Okay…move," he says as he pushes past Daniel setting about trying to pick the lock.

"Can you actually...do that?" 

"Well, if someone would stop breathing down my neck maybe I could. Man, do you need your eyes checked again or something, or do you just LIKE standing that close?"

"I'm just trying to watch your technique." 

"Riiight. You have NO idea what I'm doing," Jack says as he turns to look at Daniel. "See, THIS is why you need more training....SON OF A BITCH!" Jack looks down at his now cut hand.

"Ouch. That looks painful." 

"Ya think?!"

"That may need stitches." 

"It's fine. Just a scratch, it'll stop bleeding any second now."

"Uh huh. Here, try to stop the bleeding with this." Daniel reaches into his pocket producing a Twinkie wrapper.

"ForCryinOutLoud..." Jack pushes away Daniel's hand and the pro-offered Twinkie wrapper, tearing a strip from his t-shirt. "Note to self: Get the kids more first aid training..."

"Note to self? You actually say that? I didn't think anyone actually said that. Does it work?" 

"Note to self: harm Daniel severely....I'll guess we'll find out soon enough," he says as he glares at Daniel.

Smiling sweetly Daniel looks at Jack's hand. "You're going to need Janet's help with that cut, Jack. Hurt me and she might not be so gentle."

Rolling his eyes, Jack mumbles, "I told you. Its fine, see bleeding's almost stopped." He quickly yanks his hand away from Daniel's line of sight before he can get a good look. "Now think of a way to get out of here. I've got a headache..." Jack grumbles as he walks to the other side of the room to rewrap his hand.

"Well, there's the door. But that option's kind of out..."

Muttering to himself, Jack begins to count to ten over and over.

"Are you sure you're okay, Jack? You look a little..." Daniel makes a little motion with his hand.

"I'm fine! I just need pie...now try yelling or something."

Daniel experimentally knocks on the door. "Hey! Anyone out there? I don't think anyone's out there." 

*Sigh* Standing up, bracing his hand against a shelf to steady himself Jack pushes past Daniel. "Move outta the way." Quickly walking towards the door he leans against it. "HEY!!!! OPEN THE DOOR!!! WE'RE STUCK IN HERE!!!!!" Placing his head on his arms, Jack tries to catch his breath.

"You don't look so good, Jack."

"Yes, well...you have that effect on me, Daniel." Jack grumbles as he goes back to the corner sliding down the wall, tearing another strip from his shirt. _Damn Swiss...can't make anything right._

"Hey, do you think there's a phone in here somewhere? For emergencies?" 

Groaning, Jack shakes his head pointing to the big red emergency button on the wall. "You couldn't have thought of that earlier?"

"Well, you didn't think of it at all." 

"Hey, I'm injured here!"

"I thought it was a scratch." 

"Yes well...it is...just…shut up and push the button."

Pushing the button, Daniel waits. "I don't hear anything. Nothings happening." He quickly presses it over and over again.

"Forcryinoutloud, Daniel....you're going to have every med team in the SGC down here if you keep pushing it! Just wait, give them a chance to get here."

"But shouldn't we be hearing an alarm?"

"Maybe it's a silent alarm…ever think of that?"

"No. Things are supposed to go all red. We're supposed to hear that awful noise--the one that is apparently supposed to help you think in emergency situations. Which it doesn't, really..." 

"Daniel, you're thinking about a gate activation. Getting locked in a storage room, no matter how annoying it is for me, is not the same type of emergency situation. They'll be here. Sit down and count your rocks or something...." Tearing yet another strip from his shirt Jack pouts, "Dammit....this was my favorite shirt."

"I'm not thinking of gate activation. I know the gate activation. There's supposed to be alarms. Emergency alarms."

"So what are you saying...? You broke the alarm too?!!?"

"Too? TOO? I didn't break the damn handle, Jack."

"No...'cause it just fell off...Daniel Jackson never does anything wrong..."

"That's right. And if you could just remember that--it would make my life a lot easier."

"You're life easier? Please, what about MY life? I'm the one that has had to put up with you for the last how many years." 

"You don't even remember how long we've known each other? God, Jack. That memory's really going, huh?" 

"Oh shut up, Daniel. I can't believe I let you get me into this situation." 

"I can't believe I let YOU get me into this situation. All I wanted to do was pick up a few things in my office, organize--alphabetize."

"And all I wanted to do was get a piece of pie ForCryinOutLoud!!"

"Well--then you should have left for your pie when I told you I was busy. You would be there, I would be in my office, and everything would be fine."

"Look enough! You can be such a child...We have to get out of here. There isn't much left of my favorite shirt in case you haven't noticed," Jack gripes as he tears one more strip from his favorite shirt. 

"You're still bleeding? Why the hell didn't you say anything?" 

"Oh well I thought the fact that I'm slowly stripping myself naked here to stem the bleeding would have clued you in."

"You're all the way in the corner, Jack. And, if I'm remembering correctly, you keep insisting it's just a scratch." 

"It is just a scratch....just a...very big scratch."

"Just a deep bleeding gash. Right. Here, use my jacket--"

"It's not a deep bleeding...never mind...thank you..."

"Don't thank me. I just don't want you bleeding all over my rocks."

"Oh well thank you, Mr. Humanitarian. I'll try not to ruin your pretty rocks with my blood."

"It would be appreciated," Daniel answers snarkily, hitting the button once more just for the heck of it.

"Would you stop that?! It's not doing any good."

"Maybe it's just jammed. Maybe it just needs to be...un-jammed. It doesn't hurt to try. I've got nothing better to do, except, I could--" Daniel's eyes slowly wander towards the boxes of rocks.

"Don't even think about it, rock boy...those fossils are what got us in here in the first place," Jack comments as he shakily rises to his feet, moving towards the door again.

"I don't see why I should waste this time. I'm behind on my work as it is--and this project is on hold for months, but, I could get a good start while we wait for them to find us..."

"Fine...play with your rocks, I'll be the one, as usual, that gets us out of the predicament that YOU got us into."

"And just how do you plan to do that, O' Great One?" 

"Well...if you would just wait, you'll see."

Crossing his arms Daniel looks at Jack. "Okay. I'm waiting."

Jack slides to the floor, reaching into his pocket and pulling his wallet out. He reaches inside, taking out a 5 dollar bill.

"Oh this is ridiculous," Daniel rolls his eyes, reaching into his pocket pulling out a cell phone.

"You had a cell phone ALL ALONG?!!?!"

"Of course. Don't you have one?" 

"I will not kill him, I will not kill him."

"It's just that it's a bit hard to get reception when you're 20 floors under a mountain."

"Do you or do you not have a WORKING cell phone, Daniel? One on which you can call someone to come and OPEN THE DOOR!?"

"Well--give me a second. I'm going to try." Dialing Sam's lab he hears fuzzy noises, ringing and then...silence. "Damn," Daniel grumbles as he begins to move about the room looking for a better signal.

Jack sighs, sliding the 5 dollar bill halfway under the door.

Daniel watches Jack and has a vision of Ferretti walking by, picking up the bill and continuing down the hall.

Jack catches the look, gets a similar vision, and places a hand on half the bill, securing it in place.

"Good idea." 

"Thank you."

Grinning, Daniel tries Sam's lab again. "Come on, come on. Pick up, pick up..."

Trying to cross his fingers, Jack hisses in pain, _Damn scratch._ "Anything?"

"Sam? SAM? Hello? Can you hear me?" Daniel yells as he takes a step to the right. "Can you hear me now? Hello?" 

"I can hear you. Think you could NOT scream Daniel? I do have a headache you know."

"I lost the signal again. I don't think she heard me. How's your money trap going? Any bites?"

"Nothing yet...Hang on to it for a minute would ya? I need to just..." Jack stops talking as he closes his eyes.

"Jack?" Daniel, now a little concerned for Jack, walks over, sliding to the floor beside him. Sitting shoulder to shoulder he places his hand on the bill, pulling a Twinkie from his pocket with his free hand. "Here, you should eat something."

Cracking an eye opened Jack groans, "You've had food all this time...?" Deciding not to begin another argument he sighs...."Thanks, Danny..." smiling weakly he breaks the Twinkie in half, handing on to Daniel.

"That's okay. You can have it all. Just pretend its pie."

"I'm not _that_ far gone. Eat. No need of both of us starving."

Reaching back into his pocket Daniel grins. "Okay. I'll have one too."

Glaring at Daniel, Jack inquires, "Just how many do you have with you? What else do you have in those pockets???"

"Hmm...ah...let me see." Daniel pulls out his pant's pockets finding two more Twinkies, a pair of marbles from another one that go rolling across the room. A tiny green soldier, candy bar wrappers, and a tiny magnifying glass are found in the last pocket. Daniel smiles and picks up the magnifying glass. "Hey! I've been looking for this!"

Jack stares at Daniel bemusedly, and then shakes his head and mutters, "I won't even ask why you have marbles and a toy solider, although I'm surprised you don't have diabetes with how much sugar you eat."

"Hey." Daniel glares, picking up the toy soldier. "Ferretti got this for me." He grins. "He even drew glasses on it with magic marker."

"Riiiight....Ok sounds like Lou. And the marbles?"

"You don't want to know about the marbles."

Jack raises an eyebrow in a perfect Teal'c impression. "That sounds promising..."

Daniel picks up one of the Twinkies and waves it in front of Jack's eyes. "Forget you ever saw the marbles, and you can have this."

_Food or dirt on Daniel?__ Food or dirt on Daniel?_ "Actually you know, that Twinkie I just ate has me pretty full....Do tell, what's with the marbles?"

"I thought you weren't going to ask."

"I'm bored, sue me."

"Trust me--I've been trying to make up a good case for years."

"Funny...spill....you aren't getting out of this that easily, Danny boy...or should I say marble boy?

"You really ought to work on more creative insults, Jack. Something that doesn't end in 'boy' might be a nice change of pace."

"Well, would you rather I used girl?"

"Would you rather I didn't share the rest of my Twinkies?"

"Spoilsport."

Daniel hands Jack another Twinkie, and says conversationally, "You do know I'm not going to tell you about the marbles, right?"

"Sigh...fine...but I will find out...maybe not today...maybe not tomorrow...."

"Maybe not in your lifetime."

"We'll see, Daniel...we'll see." He grins, the grin that usually means he's reminiscing over tricks from his days in Special Ops.

"Nobody seems to be going for the five. Don't you have anything larger? A twenty, maybe?" 

"All I have is a hundred...what about you?"

"I've got some Monopoly money." Jack looks at him strangely.  "Don't ask," he says quickly.

Jack raises an eyebrow again, and looks at Daniel appraisingly. "You are one odd little man, Daniel Jackson."

"This coming from you. Watched any Poochinsky lately?"

 "Hey, it was a great show!"

"Just get out the hundred. You can't be cheap. Our sanity is at stake here." 

"Are you nuts? That's MY hard earned money. I'll take my chances, someone is bound to miss us any minute now."

"You can keep a good grip on it. You just have to use it as bait. Come on, Jack. Give one for the team."

"I think I gave one already what with my bleeding all over the floor here..."

"Is it my fault you cut yourself with your own knife? Ironically enough, just as you were telling ME I needed more training?" 

"You distracted me!"

"You distracted yourself, Jack. Your attention span in anything other than combat is laughable."

Jack glares at Daniel. "Excuse me?"

"What?"

"What what?"

"That's what I said. What?"

"Do you practice being this annoying?"

"I don't have to. I just have to follow your lead and it comes to me." 

"Where did I go wrong?" he asks. With a sigh, he rests his head back against the door and closes his eyes.

"Where did you go wrong? Hmm...let's see...where do I start?" 

"That was a rhetorical question, Professor."

"Shouldn't some one have found us by now?" Daniel pulls his cell phone out again, lifting his hand from the five dollar bill as he goes to dial the phone. 

The bill was pulled swiftly out of the room. Daniel didn't notice as he angrily shook his phone, and Jack was still resting with his eyes pressed tightly shut.

"Stupid piece of junk. What's the point of a cell phone if it won't even work underground?"

Jack lowers his head, and looks over at Daniel. "Well..." he began, pausing when he saw the five dollar bill was now no where to be seen. "ForCryinOutLoud!!!!!!" 

Daniel turns to Jack. "What?" Following Jack's gaze, his eyes travel down, noticing the floor was now sans one five dollar bill. "Oh." Daniel sighs. "Damn that Ferretti." 

"HELLO?!?! Someone OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!!!!" Jack starts to stand, but then tiredly slides back down. 

"You look like you need another Twinkie."

"I don't want another sugar bar, I want pie! And I want out of here!"

"Okay, okay. Sorry. Just trying to be helpful. No need to throw a tantrum." 

"I'm not throwing a tantrum, Daniel...You owe me five dollars!"

"I didn't take your money, Jack. Now--hand over your hundred."

"What? Forget that, bub, dig out some of your monopoly money."

"Nobody's going to go for Monopoly money. Come on, fork it over. Think of it as another step closer to getting pie."

 Jack growls with frustration. "Fine. But if you lose this you are SO gonna be sorry."

"I'm not going to lose it." Daniel took the bill and slid it under the door, watching in horror as it kept sliding, until it was fully on the other side. "Uh oh. Okay. Don't panic. I can fix this. Where's the toy soldier?" 

"ForCryinOutLoud!!!!!! Dammit, Daniel What the hell did I just say?!"

Daniel ignores him as he pulls out the toy solider. He tries to use the little green arm, and attached rifle to pull the hundred dollar bill back inside. "I think I see it."

"You THINK you see it? You either see it or you don't, watch where you're putting your head dammit."

"Ah ha! I see it. Um...I think it's too far out. Doc's arm can't reach it."

"Doc?"

"Huh? Oh. That's what Ferretti named him." 

"Riiight...get my money, Daniel!"

"I just told you. I can't. Doc really isn't very big. He's just got tiny little arms."

"Among other things."

"What?"

"Nothing...."

"Are you getting delirious? Because I really don't want to be stuck in here with you if you're going to be delirious."

"I'm not delirious, Daniel, I'm stressed!"

"Yes, well. There's no reason to take it out on Doc."

"I'm not taking it out on your toys, Daniel! But if you don't get my hundred dollars back and us out of here I might be forced to take it out on you!"

Daniel reaches into his back pocket, and pulls out a pink, crumpled, Monopoly hundred dollar bill. He hands it to Jack. "There you go."

"Oh this will really buy me the pizza and beer my REAL hundred was going to this Friday!"

"Good. Then we don't have a problem." 

"Daniel...don't make me hurt your toy."

Daniel glares at Jack, and puts Doc protectively in his back pocket. "People should be finding us any moment now."

"Yes, that's what I said...hello!? Still no one...you're going to have to try and break the door down or something."

"Yes, well, I would. But I rather like having my shoulders placed correctly in their sockets."

"Come on, broken bones make you a stronger man..."

"Broken bones land me in the infirmary and put SG-1 on stand down."

"Well, I think after spending the day with you today I could do with some downtime."

"I just need some private time with my books."

"I don't even want to touch that!"

"Touch what?"

"Private time with...argh never mind...Why do I even bother?"

"I have no idea." 

Jack looks down at the cut on his hand, pleased to see the bleeding had nearly stopped. "So now what?? You threw away my money...played with your little man, annoyed me, what's left?"

"We could play with the marbles." 

"You only have two, Daniel, what are we gonna do...throw them at each other? Now that you mention it...that's not a bad idea…" Jack trails off, grinning evilly. 

Daniel reaches down and unbuttons the cargo pocket on his leg. "I have more..." 

"OhFor...why am I not surprised? Fine...ok....how many you got?"

"Um...let's see. There's the two over there..." He pulls out a little drawstring bag and looks inside. "And about twelve or so in here." 

"OK, hmmm....7 each...we playing for keepsies?"

Daniel looks at Jack aghast and holds the bag protectively to his chest. "No. These are special marbles."

"Special marbles?" Jack raises an eyebrow. "What's so special about them???"

"That isn't important. But you can't have them." 

"Sigh* well that sucks..." Jack grumbles. "Fine...you know you should learn not to be so selfish....set them up."

"I'm not selfish. I gave you some of my Twinkies--and I wouldn't do that for just anyone." Daniel reaches over to retrieve the two stray marbles.

Jack turns and glances at Daniel suspiciously. "Really? You mean to tell me that if say oh, you and Ferretti were stuck in here you wouldn't have shared your Twinkies?"

"Sure. I'd share them with Ferretti." 

"And Hammond?"

"Of course." 

"Fraiser?"

"I wouldn't let Janet go hungry." 

"Carter and Teal'c?"

"Do you have to ask?" 

"Graham?"

"Sure. I like Graham. He's very nice." 

"So, basically the 'wouldn't share them with anyone' really means 'share them with everyone'" Jack looks hurt, pulling his injured hand closer to his chest.

"I wouldn't have given any to Samuel's, or Kinsey, or Apophis..." 

"Oooo that makes me feel so much better. I'm supposed to feel grateful you didn't group me with the spawns of Satan?"

"Jack! You're being unreasonable."

"Right..." Jack stands slowly, and walks over to the shelves. 

"Jack! I'm sorry. Okay? Here," Daniel says as he takes the toy soldier from his pocket. "You can have Doc." Daniel looks fondly at Doc before holding him out for Jack to take. "But take good care of him."

"Thanks, Danny." Jack took the toy, meeting Daniel's eyes as he did so. "I'll take real good care of him." He leans back against the shelves, grinning down at the small toy with the black glasses. 

"And just so you know, I wouldn't have given him to anyone else."

Jack looks up. "Ferretti? Carter....Teal'c...?"

"Ferretti gave it to me, and no, I wouldn't have given it to Sam or Teal'c." 

Jack grins. "Thanks, Danny boy, that means a lot" He leans over to pat Daniel's shoulder.

"Yes, well. You still aren't getting any of my marbles."

Jack slides the toy into his back pocket, and then stretches his stiff muscles. "Don't worry, Daniel, I don't want your marbles."

"I thought you might have had your eye on them." Daniel looks over at Jack innocently. "Seeing as how you've lost yours." 

Jack smacks Daniel upside the head. "Keep that up, Daniel, and I'll be the only one getting out of this storage room with all my bits attached."

Daniel grins, not intimidated in the least. "Sure, Jack."

"Argh, my ass is killing me! Do they have to make these floors so hard?"

"Well, I went to the General about getting some plush carpeting, but he didn't seem to think it would be appropriate for a military base." 

"Are you always like this or is it just for me?"

Daniel shoots him a big grin. "Mostly, it's just for you." 

"Peachy," Jack says, rolling his eyes.

 Daniel laughs and pulls out his miniature magnifying glass. He pulls one of the rocks from the box closest to him, and begins to examine it carefully. 

"What are you doing?"

"What's it look like I'm doing?"

"Stop that...! WHY are you looking at rocks when we're stuck in a closet?"

"Because we're stuck in a closet." 

Jack glares at him, and then made his way back to the door. "HEY!!!! SOMEONE LET ME OUT!!!!!!" He turns again to look at Daniel. "Before I go crazy stuck in here with, rock boy," he mumbles.

"GO crazy, Jack?" 

Jack ignores Daniel, and lowers himself to his knees. Then he slides down onto his stomach, trying to see under the door.

"Is the hundred still there?" Daniel asks, placing the rock back in it's box. 

"I can't see it...of course I can't really see anything."

"Here, let me look." Daniel came over and got down on the floor. "I think that's it. I think I see it."

Jack pushes his fingers under the door. "Maybe someone will see my hand and stop...they better not steal my money."

"Good idea. You just stay like that. I'll go work on my translation."

"I don't think so, get your fingers under here, they're longer than mine...."

"I'm not going to sit here with my fingers under the door. If you want to--by all means, have fun. But I'm going to try to do something more productive with my time." 

Jack made to grab Daniel, but stopped abruptly. "Son of a...Argh!!!"

"What? What did you do to yourself now?" 

"I didn't DO anything TO myself Daniel! Stupid door!" Jack tries to jerk his hand out from under the door, but it wouldn't budge. 

Daniel tries valiantly not to laugh. "You're stuck," he says, as he moves deftly out of Jack's reach. "You got STUCK?!"

"Son of a...a little help here, Daniel?"

"Right. Um...okay. This is my last Twinkie, though." Daniel pulls out a Twinkie, quickly unwrapping it and pulling it in half. He spreads the cream filling over Jack's hand.

 "Ew!"

"Do you have a better idea?" Daniel asks as he further spreads the filling over Jack's hand, trying to get it between his skin and the door.

Jack sighs resignedly, dropping his head onto his arm. "No...just...hurry, I would SO like to get up off the floor NOW."

"Well, you have to help. You've got to pull. Just...here…" Daniel squeezes more of the cream filling onto Jack's hand. "Pull."

Jack pulls again, cursing when he still couldn't get it free. "Argh! Ok...ok wait....crap! I think my fingers are starting to swell!" He tries pulling harder, but was still unable to get it out. 

"Huh. Look at that. You're right. They're growing. That's...um...that's..."

"Bad…it's bad...very bad, PULL...I'm kind of fond of my fingers, I'd prefer they didn't have to be amputated from lack of circulation."

"Right. Okay." Daniel grabs onto Jack's wrist and started to pull. 

"ARGH!!!!! Son of a...." Jack whimpers at the pain. "Oh God!" he cries out as his fingers came flying out of the door, hitting Daniel in the eye as he fell backwards. He pulls his two injured hands against his chest.

"Ow! God damn it, Jack!" Daniel puts a hand up to protectively cover his eye. 

Jack lay onto his back, breathing through the pain. "Owowowowowow," he chants. He looks at his cream covered hand with despair. "It'll never be the same."

"I think you got Twinkie in my eye." Daniel hesitantly removes his hand and blinks. Then blinks some more. "Ow." 

"I'm sure you'll live....Ew...this so does not look good." Jack looks at his hand in disgust, and looks around for something to clean it off with. "I suppose I should be glad you're a junk-a-holic."

Daniel pulls a bandana from his shirt pocket and tossed it to Jack. "You never know when you might need a Twinkie." 

"Thanks...." Jack says as he caught the cloth. He wipes his hand off then discards the bandana on the floor. "If we don't get outta here soon...."

"We'll end up killing each other, I know. Probably a fifty-fifty chance whether or not it will be intentional."

"Well...that's true…but not what I was gonna say..." Jack pauses and looks at his watch. "Oh god...We've been in here for almost 3 hours.....I have SO gotta piss!! Damn you and your caffeine addiction. You just HAD to get the rest of us hooked too didn't you?"

"Now you're blaming me for that too?"

"Who drinks enough coffee to keep Juan Valdez in business???"

"Can I help it if you feel the need to imitate me?"

"Oh yeah, that's it...You're my hero Daniel...." Jack says, rolling his eyes. 

 Daniel grins. "I didn't think I would ever hear you admit it."

"Enjoy your delusions, Daniel..." Jack examines his hand again. "Damn, I think you took 5 layers of skin off my fingers."

Daniel's eyes rolled up to the ceiling. "Next thing I know, you're going to be blaming me for world hunger as well."

"Well...Now that you mention it..." Jack says with a grin.

Daniel glares over at him. "Your throwing marbles idea is starting to gain appeal." 

"Be good, Danny or Doc loses an arm."

"Hey! You promised you would take care of him!" Daniel says angrily. "That's low, O'Neill. Even for you." 

Jack chuckles. "Hey, I didn't say which Doc would lose the arm," Jack says with a wink. "I'm kinda partial to the plastic one."

"Oh, well. Okay. That's okay then." 

"You really are bad at self preservation aren't you?" Jack asks with a laugh. 

"The only thing I have to worry about getting wounded when I'm with you, Jack, is my pride." 

Jack laughs loudly. "Oh, Danny boy, you're priceless." He rolls over to lift himself off the floor. "ARGH!!!!!"

Daniel sighs. "What now?" he asks, shooting Jack a weary glance.

"OK, not THAT partial to Doc," Jack says, removing the small toy from his pocket. "A little too fresh for my tastes." Jack drops Doc into his shirt pocket. 

Daniel laughs. "You're being felt up by a plastic toy? Wait until Sam hears about this."

Jack glares at Daniel. "Would you like me to tell her whose toy it was?"

"She's got a matching GI-Jane one," Daniel says with a wide grin. 

Jack groans theatrically. "How in the hell did you people ever get chosen for this base?"

"Oh come on, Jack. You like us. You wouldn't want a base filled with Makepeace's. You'd never have any fun."

"Cause I'm having SO much fun right now...."

"Okay. Bad example." 

"OK, Daniel...we're never getting out of here...I've come to accept that some grave digger will be coming down here with more rocks for storage and finding us dead in a corner...." Jack threw an arm over his eyes, the picture of despair. 

Daniel's cell phone rings abruptly. Daniel calmly took it from his pocket and lifted it to his ear. "Hello? Nyan? Thank god, you have to--what? They did WHAT? Well tell them to stop. Yes, now. I don't want them working on it without me." Daniel hung up the phone, shaking his head at the sheer idiocy of certain members of his archeological team. Then he dropped the phone back in his pocket. 

Jack's arm had dropped to his side, and he was staring at Daniel in sheer disbelief. He got up slowly, walking to Daniel, his pallor turning red.

Daniel looks up at him in confusion. "Jack?" 

"No...you didn't....I know that you did NOT just HANG UP on possibly our ONLY way out of this death trap!!!!!!!"

Daniel pales. "Oh, right. I...um... Oops?" 

"Oops...? OOOPS??!?!?!?"

"I'm sure he'll call back, Jack. Nothing to worry about." Daniel backs up, trying to get out of Jack's reach. 

Jack's hands rose, itching to wrap around Daniel's neck, to be Homer to Daniel's Bart. _Just one little shake, that's all I ask..._

The phone rings again, and Daniel quickly picks it up. "Yes? Hello---?"

Jack reaches out and snaps the phone from Daniel's grasp. "Who is this? CARTER! Thank god! Look Daniel and I are trapped...yes…what? Yes of course he's alright," Jack pauses, just long enough to roll his eyes. "Listen he broke the handle on the door, we can't get out, we're in storage 22 get someone down here to open the door ASAP!" Jack hung up the phone, and then tossed it to Daniel with a glare.

"I did NOT break the handle!"

"YOU were the one that tried to open the door, the handle came off, we're stuck ergo it's YOUR fault!"

"Fine! FINE! It's my fault. All of this is my fault, and next time, you can just go find Teal'c instead, and happily eat your little pie. I don't care."

"Didn't I say THAT'S exactly what I planned to do?! See?! You NEVER listen to me!!!"

"I know that's what you said, Jack. That's why I said it." 

Jack groans and walks to the other corner of the room. "One…two...three...four..."

"Very good, Jack. If you're real careful, and think real hard, you just might make it to twenty this time," Daniel says as he walks over to the door. 

"That's it! They'll never convict me!" Jack starts storming over to Daniel, just as the door crashes open--connecting with Daniel's back and sending him flying into Jack. 

Ferretti, Sam, Teal'c stand in the doorway looking at their friends in bemusement. 

"Daniel," Jack says sweetly.

"Yes, Jack?"

"Someone took my hundred dollars. Son of a....You owe me a hundred five dollars, Daniel!!" Jack pushes Daniel off of him and rises to his feet. 

Their three friends in the doorway stare at the blood covered jacket in the center of the floor, the Twinkie wrappers strewn across the room, and the cream covered bandanna, with something approaching horror. 

"How about I spring for a pie from May's and we call it even?" 

Jack thinks it over. "Deal...but I get to choose the type." He walks past the three in the hall without a word. _Best not to discuss this.__ Best to pretend this never happened and just keep walking. _

Daniel grins at the trio and then jogs to catch up with Jack. "Wait for me!" he calls.

Jack stops and waits for Daniel, then they continue down the hallway, ignoring the calls of their friends as they recovered form their speechlessness. "Wait a minute...how are you gonna pay? Monopoly money?"

Daniel pulls a hundred dollar bill from his back pocket. "I thought I would use this." He grins at Jack, then continues to make his way to the elevator. 

Jack stares at his retreating back for a moment, before reaction hit. "HEY!!!!" he shouts. 

Daniel grins but doesn't stop. "Keepsies, Jack," he calls over his shoulder.

      _ The End. _


End file.
